MISSION MUTHAFUGGIN' ACCOMPLISHED:

So, I got a new job. I am now officially a "Community Service Aide" for the Portsmouth neighborhood in North Portland. It pays dick, but sounds cool. Check this out:

"Hey ladies, I can tell you've been fantasizing about Aides"

I swear to God, it's going to be hot and cold running chicks at my house from now on.

Wait...that didn't come out right at all.

- posted by Aaron @ 12:12 PM

 
A CLEAR SIGN:

It's probably a good time to find another line of work when people start pissing their pants during regular office hours.
- posted by Aaron @ 9:29 AM

 
AS HEARD ON THE BUS:

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

Girl in Ankle-length Mink: So, what do you think about pterodactyls?

Soul Patch Guy: Awww I dunno baby, I'm not really into dinosaurs.

Girl in Ankle-length Mink: You're not into dinosaurs?! What the fuck is your problem!?

Soul Patch Guy: Wait...what?

Girl in Ankle-length Mink: I can't fucking stand you, you loser. Look at you with all your...loserness. Fuck you.

At the next stop she left in a gust of hatred and wet mink. Her former boyfriend just sat there and stewed in his own loserness.
- posted by Aaron @ 10:31 AM

 
CORPORATE SHENANIGANS:

SAY WHAT?

Overheard just after the announcement that the company I work for is being sold off:

--"I don't think we have to worry, we just need to stay focused on the mid-market niche."

--"If we stay engaged in this thing we'll come out allright."

--"Although I think he's a weak manager, I have to believe he'll transition us well."

I smell a nice little downsizing bloodbath in the making. Maybe I'd care more if they upped my benefits package, which currently is um...actually nothing.
- posted by Aaron @ 2:42 PM

 
PROGRAMMING NOTES:

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

Attention Fox broadcasting:

You call that a "surprise twist"? I mean c'mon, how about a little creativity here people! Couldn't you have at least had that dude reveal a scorching case of the herp? That would have been effing sweet.
- posted by Aaron @ 2:29 PM

 
CITIZENSHIP:

SIGN ME UP FOR THAT FREAKY WATCHLIST

So, I decided to send an email to the President. I hope I get some sort of answer, 'cause this question's been bugging me for a while.

Dear Mr. President

I like your office alot. In all the pictures I've seen I'm always impressed with it, especially the desk. I saw one picture where the desk had a little pullout table on the other side of it, and drawers and stuff so that your aides could get down to work right there. That's just a great idea.

Anyways, I was wondering something. I heard a story once about the big eagle in the Seal of the President that is in the middle of your office carpet. You know the one with the olive branch in one claw and the arrows in the other? Well, I heard that during peacetime the eagle faces the olive branch, but during wartime the eagle faces the claw with the arrows.

Is this true?

If it is true, how does it work? Is there a big circle of carpet somewhere in the basement you can just switch when ever you need to, or do you have a guy come in and paint it like an endzone?

Also, which way is the eagle facing now, and if it's facing the arrows, when did you decide to have it changed?

Just wondering, and thanks for your time.

Sincerely,
Aaron M. Abrams
- posted by Aaron @ 2:18 PM

 
OBSERVED:

FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME

She was in her mid-forties, probably heading home, and when she opened up that Sam Goody bag and took out Foreigner's self-titled debut album, a brief smile came to her face. The next ten tracks of studio-engineered ear-sugar were all hers and nothing could take that away from her, not the mortgage, not her ungrateful kids, and definitely not that cheating bastard of a husband. After wrestling with the plastic wrap, she pressed her new CD into her discman, hit play, and was transported back to that special time and place where she rocked like nobody's business. Class of '79 Rulz!


- posted by Aaron @ 8:16 AM