THE JOYS OF CRAIGSLIST:

AKA: The Search for a Place to Live

1) "Yeah, you sorta have to crouch in the tub to take a shower, so I hope you like baths. Also, I don't think the landlord has ever rented to anyone who is straight."

2) You know what? This one went really well. Nice place too.

3) "You're room has it's own sink. I think 'cause this place used to be a whore house. Man, can you imagine that? Whores everywhere, just washing themselves?"

4) "I've never lived with a guy before, are you weird or gross or anything?"

5) SO. MANY. CATS. Ok, only three cats, but still that's 8 more than I can handle.

6) "This is Todd."

"Hey Todd."

"S'up."

"Todd's into punk rock. His band comes over alot, if you're into that."

7) "Yeah, so there's this whole legal thing going on, but don't worry, the lawyers have to give us 60 days notice before they can evict us, so you'd get at least 2 months here."

8) "This is our chill room. It's hella cool. Check out the djembe drums bro. Some of them came all the way from Africa."

I chose #2.
- posted by Aaron @ 9:56 PM

 
BERKELEY:

Overheard bit of conversation between 3 old burn-out hippies:
"Look, goddammit, I want some answers! Which one a you mutherfuckers drank up all my whiskey and pissed in the bottle!?"

On my way to work:
I've been exploring the best routes to work, and on Friday I passed five different barber shops in a six block stretch. One was called "Kut Me Klean" and it had an airbrushed picture painted on the window of a dude with a Lionel Ritchie mustache and a sweet circa-'87 hightop fade. Another was called "Uncle Wimpy's", and it had a sign that said "Where class ain't just a word." And another was just called "The Beauty Shop" but it had a huge banner that read "We specialize in weaving the bald head." I'm not sure it's possible to find a better route to work than that.
- posted by Aaron @ 9:37 PM

 
FREAK MAGNET:

I'm not sure how it works exactly, but I tend to go through streaks where the cosmos aligns, and I end up with the good fortune of being plagued by wierdos. For example, on my way through security at the Burbank airport last week, I end up setting off the metal detectors over and over again. Shoeless and beltless, I'm herded over to the security area to be wanded and frisked by Federal employees. There I am with my feet on the yellow footmarks (I assume they somehow protect the homeland) with my arms stretched out to the sides, and some 50 year old bald guy rubbing me with that wierd Scientology device looking thing.

I hear some sort of commotion and look over by the security gate to see what's going on. What I see is an obviously pissed off woman. She's about 5 feet tall, and some undetermined brand of foreigner -Phillipino maybe? She's got huge hair, and is wearing an ass-load of jewelery and a bright gold lame' vest. She looks like some sort of terrier in chain mail.

So, she stalks up to me, and grabs my hand.

"Why you do that!!!" She screams at me. "You get yo' hand outta my face!!!"

She then shoves my hand away from her, slaps at it a few times, and circles around in front of me.

"Uhhh...." Is all I can think to say. I've still got my arms out at my sides, and my pants are falling down 'cause I don't have a belt on, and I'm not wearing shoes, and there's a dude waving an electronic device at me, and now there's a weird little lady standing 6 inches away from me. She stares directly up at me like she wants to fight, puts her arms out at her sides like I'm doing at the time, and yells again "What you think you doing!!?! Why this happen to me!?!! Who you are?!?!? Why you tell me do this?!?!!!! Why you stand like this!?!!! What you doing here!!?!"

At this point, I can't help but start laughing.

"Lady. What? Is everything ok?"

She stares me up and down and says, "Ohhhhhhhh...wait a minute! You not the Checker! You the Checkee!"

At which point the guy with the wand tells her, "Lady, get back in the waiting area and wait your turn."

"Yeah, you be quiet, mistah!" she tells him, and stalks off to the waiting area.
- posted by Aaron @ 9:15 PM