THIS BIBLE'S FOR THUMPIN':

MY GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD

As was explained to me in great detail by a man wearing a sandwich board consigning Feminists and "longhairs" to the firey pit, I am going straight to hell.

He obviously didn't know who he was dealing with however, because as an ordained minister, I have been bequeathed by the Universal Life Church of the Internet (actual location: Modesto, CA) with the awesome power to perform marriages in three western states. Not to mention the fact that I have been recently granted the power to forgive sin by almighty G-d and the bishop/guy who's got the mailing list. I even get me a classy monthly newsletter.

In your face sandwich-board-wearing-bible-guy.
- posted by Aaron @ 7:55 AM

 
ENCOUNTERS WITH METH-HEADS:

AT LEAST HE'S GOT A PAL

A piece of advice for the strung-out guy arguing with a six-foot tall potted palm tree he was carrying around:

The palm tree would probably get your point a little more clearly if you weren't insulting it so loudly.

I'M NOT SURE WE ARE RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER

To the strung-out girl who got kicked out of the Basement Pub last night:

I'm glad you enjoy horking crystal meth (as you explained in detail). I'm also glad that you learned the word "Agua" from Sesame Street. I just don't think it's going to work out between us, despite your insistence that I "fit really well inside your vibrations."
- posted by Aaron @ 4:39 PM

 
OVERHEARD OUTSIDE THE COURTHOUSE:

OBVIOUSLY A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

White Guy in Sean John Outfit: Fuck! I don't know why I even put up with you.

Lady In Cutoffs: Oh baby, you know I was right.

White Guy in Sean John Outfit: You're right, you're right. Maybe I did deserve 30 days, but you didn't have to testify against me.


- posted by Aaron @ 11:06 AM

 
OBSERVED:

PUBLIC ART

So I caught myself giving the "what's up nod" to a homeless guy I see around occasionally. Most days he hangs out in the park near the Spanish-American War Memorial. I'm not sure why I assumed we were on friendly enough terms to give him the nod, but I guess I just wanted to let him know I'm a fan of his work.

I think it's the shrieking I most appreciate.

Some days, when he gets the urge, he'll throw his blanket around his shoulders like a cape and run up and down the sidewalk just screaming nonsense as loud as he can. I'm sure it's mainly the voices telling him to run around with 4 pairs of pants on, and a stained army blanket wrapped around his shoulders, but I think part of him enjoys freaking out the squares. The day he decided to run around in traffic at lunch hour with his ass hanging out of all four pairs of pants was when I realized he was a true artist, and for that I salute him.


- posted by Aaron @ 9:16 AM

 
AS HEARD ON THE BUS:

THE '97 LESABRE COMMANDS RESPECT

Guy With Jean Jacket: Yeah bro, normally I'd totally have walked home, but it's raining and I'm meeting my brother for lunch.

Sidekick With Slayer T-Shirt: Oh yeah?

Guy With Jean Jacket: Dude totally, he just got this 1997 LeSabre. You know a Buick? Yeah man, I respect him way too much to mess up his car by getting it all wet.

- posted by Aaron @ 2:20 PM

 
TOPIC THE FIRST:

HALL AND OATES ARE COOL

An Essay by Aaron M. Abrams

In the great debate over which band is the coolest ever, there are many frontrunners. For instance, Trans-am owners may cite Lynard Skynard, soley on the strength of the song "Freebird". Others point to Led Zepplin as the archetypal rock band. Jimmy Page and Robert Plant may be near death now, but how can you argue with "Stairway"? Other serious contenders include The Beatles and the Rolling Stones. One can make a case for The Beatles, certainly. Their musical genius changed the world, after all. The Rolling Stones (prior to Mick boning David Bowie and the creation of that "Dancin' in the Streets" video) can claim a piece of the greatest band in the world status as well. Many people will offer more obscure or surprising choices - Sabbath, Buffalo Springfield, The Yardbirds, The Clash, and others too numerous to name. After careful examination of the issue and many hours of exacting research however, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that the title of "Coolest Band EVER" is deserved not by the traditional heavy hitters of rock and roll stardom, but instead should go to the smoothed out white-boy soul duo known as Hall and Oates.

I began my research by breaking down the essence of "coolest EVER" status. After many sessions in the lab, I was able to determine that rock band coolness can be distilled into three essential components:

First, does the band and its music help you smooth the ladies? If it does help you get them to come home with you, how effective is it in assisting you in getting them naked? Basically can you rock out to the same band on the dance floor AND in the bedroom?

Second, what does the band's image say about itself and you? Ripped jeans are cool, but is the band merely using them as a prop for the rebel pose? One must take great care in examining a band's image, appearance, and conduct in order to tell whether they are actually cool, or mere posers.

Finally, the road trip test: Is it possible for one to full-on fully rock out to the band while waiting at a red light and playing airdrums? This is a crucial test, indeed. Once I had isolated these three elements, I then examined Hall and Oates in order to test my hypothesis that they are the coolest band EVER.

In regards to the first element of rock band coolness, namely the lady factor, the music of Hall and Oates has many facets that are appealing. First, the easy familiarity of their songs and their addictive pop sensibility lend themselves to carefree abandon on the dance floor. The song "Rich Girl" is a perfectly innocuous dance number that allows one to get uncontroversially funky. When one throws the song "Maneater" into the mix, the chance is there to get a little freakier. Secondly, Hall and Oates has many songs that are perfect for more intimate encounters. The songs "Sarah Smiles" or "She's Gone" are unparalleled for knockin' boots to, for example. The 1981 Album "Private Eyes" is perhaps the pinnacle of this dual nature of Hall and Oates, featuring many favorites on both the smoothed-out tip, and more uptempo numbers of the freaky-deaky variety.

The second element of greatest band EVER status requires that a band be in it for the music and to help you rock out and smooth the ladies. Posers are not allowed. This specific item has led to the instant disqualification of many otherwise deserving bands (Motley Crue and U2 come to mind). In the case of Hall and Oates, posing is definitely not a factor. No self-respecting human being would rock the hideous Jew-fro and mustache combo of Darryl Hall or the freakishly highlighted 80's glammed-out top-40 coke-mullet of John Oates as a pose. If even a trace of irony were present in their bodies, they would have been forced to burst out laughing every time they looked at each other. When one adds to the coolness stew a hefty dose of the synthesizers they used in every song, as well as the fact that David Berkowitz (AKA the Son of Sam) was inspired by one of their songs one cannot help but be astonished by how much Hall and Oates friggin' rule.

Let us not forget that Hall and Oates met while attending Temple University in 1967. They struck up a conversation in a freight elevator while fleeing a riot at a concert where their then separate bands were playing. Additionally, H&O managed to include the talents of Todd Rundgren, George Harrison, Rick Nelson of Cheap Trick and TWO MEMBERS OF TOTO ON ONE FUCKING ALBUM!!! You cannot argue with the sheer freaking beauty of this combination of superior qualities of the Hall and the Oates. When I realized that H&O released "Diddy Doo Wop, I Hear the Voices" written by Oates not just as a great single, but as a response to the Son of Sam Murders, and that Hall had briefly done some studio work with the Delfonics, I was beside myself. Essentially the utter coolness of Hall and Oates had been all but decided.

The final piece of the coolness puzzle is that of the rocking out at a stoplight. In order to test the Rocking out/Air drum quotient of Hall and Oates, I borrowed my dad's truck and started driving around the neighborhood with Hall and Oates blaring. At first I was only compelled to tap the steering wheel in time with the silky harmonies and sweet drum machine beats. By the time "Kiss On My List" started to play though, I was rocking the airdrums hardcore. I had to quiet down and chill out when an Explorer full of girls pulled up beside me at a stoplight. However, at that moment, the song "Urgent" came on, and I was unable to help myself. I had to kick ass on the airdrums and the air-synth, no matter what the ladies at the stoplight thought. I was air-wailing hardcore, and I could tell that the ladies were secretly digging my shit. This final piece of the puzzle truly made me realize how cool Hall and Oates are.

In conclusion, H&O combine all of the elements essential to rocking out, smoothing the ladies and being cool. They will rock your fucking face worldwide and you can't stop it, no-oooh-oh. Even if you can't go for that. Get out of their way, 'cause Hall and Oates are the coolest fucking band EVER.

Hall and Oates are Cool: An Essay By Aaron M. Abrams 01/06/2003
Copyright 2003 Abrams Publications
- posted by Aaron @ 7:47 PM