MYSTERIES WRAPPED IN RIDDLES WRAPPED IN ENIGMAS (ENIGMI?):

Discovered while cleaning out the cupboards...



Could be tuna or canned salmon, could be creamed eel. Dare me to eat it?
- posted by Aaron @ 1:09 PM

 
IN MEMORIUM:

Cocaine Blues (aka Transfusion Blues)
(T.J. Arnall) Johnny Cash - 1958

Early one mornin' while makin' the rounds
I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down
I went right home and I went to bed
I stuck that lovin' 44 beneath my head

Got up next mornin' and I grabbed that gun
Took a shot of cocaine and away I run
Made a good run but I ran too slow
They overtook me down in Juarez Mexico

Late in the hot joints takin' the pills
In walked the sheriff from Jericho Hill
He said Willy Lee your name is not Jack Brown
You're the dirty heck that shot your woman down

Said yes, oh yes my name is Willy Lee
If you've got the warrant just a-read it to me
Shot her down because she made me sore
I thought I was her daddy but she had five more

When I was arrested I was dressed in black
They put me on a train and they took me back
Had no friend for to go my bail
They slapped my dried up carcass in that county jail

Early next mornin' bout a half past nine
I spied the sheriff coming down the line
Ah, and he coughed as he cleared his throat
He said come on you dirty heck into that district court

Into the courtroom my trial began
Where I was handled by twelve honest men
Just before the jury started out
I saw the little judge commence to look about

In about five minutes in walked the man
Holding the verdict in his right hand
The verdict read murder in the first degree
I hollered Lawdy Lawdy, have a mercy on me

The judge he smiled as he picked up his pen
99 years in the Folsom pen
99 years underneath that ground
I can't forget the day I shot that bad bitch down

Come on you've gotta listen unto me
Lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be

You will be missed.

- posted by Aaron @ 9:01 AM

 
A BITCHIN' NEW SCREENPLAY:

The War of the Undead
By Aaron M. Abrams & James M. Wende

Act I

Scene:
Two low hills face each other divided by a wide dusty plain. The sun is setting, and an eerie wind blows.

A slow panning shot reveals a mass of figures standing in formation on the crest of each hill. Flashing close-ups give us disjointed views of each group of figures, one a milling shuffling mass of undead, brain eating zombies, the other a tattered and decayed army of mummies.

Finally, with a low moan of "Brrrrrraaaaaiiiiiinnnnnssssss" from the Zombie army, and the dusty moan of...uh...whatever noise it is that mummies make, the two armies begin to advance down the slopes towards each other.



Act 2

Scene:
After approximately 90 minutes of different shots and exciting camera angles, complete with beating drums and crazy, wacked-out, mind-blowing techno music, plus all sorts of CGI shit like bullet time and lots of insane steady cam work, the Zombie army and the Mummy army are about half way down the hill.



Act 3

Scene:
The music rachets up a notch, shit is getting way hectic, yo. The sun is setting blood red on the horizon as we pan out into one of those ridiculously choreographed set shots like Kurosawa does in the movie Ran. The shuffling and moaning armies are mere feet from each other, we watch in goddamn crippled excitement as the two seething masses of the undead take 15 minutes to walk the last couple of yards.



Act 4

Scene:
The two massive armies of the undead slowly combine into one big blob. All the zombies start eating mummies, and the mummies start strangling and mummy-cursing the shit out of the zombies. This scene will be shot using hand held cams and grainy filmstock to give it that Saving Private Ryan feel. After about 20 minutes, with the crazy techno shit getting even crazier, and all kinds of awesome gory close-ups of severed mummy legs, and strangled zombies, and like, hordes of the various undead eating each other, there's no one left standing, just a giant heap of bandage covered mummy and rotting zombie flesh.



FIN

Credits roll, as Ja Rule and Ashanti sing the theme song.
- posted by Aaron @ 11:32 AM